Friday, October 10, 2008


yesterday i made tom cry for half an hour or more. he was gunky, claggy, i was transfixed by the sorrow on his face, i sucked his beads again. i marvelled at myself; at my stillness. i was so still. it was because finally i found out what i had always suspected; unrequitedness. not so extreme, i should say, not so extreme. perhaps i should say an imbalance, a balance, an imbalance, yes.

he said he couldn't bare to lose me, and i said he wasn't losing me, but he had to let me be little bit sad for a while. i'm sure the imbalance can be weathered. love is narcissistic afterall. i'm sure i can love him purely, in a single direction; for some time at least.

meanwhile, i have this big bow on my head. i think it's because i've made of myself a gift. i've given myself to myself or to tom, or something, i've let myself be perfectly natural. i've lain it all on the line, and in the end, it is much less gross than i had imagined. i'm all bare, but gosh it's peaceful. it's peaceful, and i can see it lasting, and that's all you can really want for isn't it, for something to last...

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